So a lot of shit has happened in the past few months. Things I would have never thought would. But before I get into that, I have to say there are two very lucky people out there. Their names are Matthew B. Cutis and Jayme Kelleher (formally known as Jayme Timothy). I am totally thinking about sparing you all from the posts that I have already written and putting you all on blast. I’m just debating on whether I want to post what I have to say about you two or not. Bitter and backstabbing as you two are, I’m not so sure that you two are worth the energy. Besides, I’ve already turned one of you out. Just saying. Curtis, dude, you were cool, then you fucked up bro… couldn’t suck it up another week or two before shit got straight. We’d have been two or three stores deep by now. But it’s cool, you do you cupcake, at least I don’t fall asleep in a chics vag when trying to eat her out. Want the proof? Ok, yeah, still bitter. I thought you were a better person than that. Guess not and I just needed to get that out. Maybe I should talk about Jayme, putting Curtis on blast like that felt kind of good. Dude was such a coward and knows he did wrong, so much so that he blocked me on social media because the truth hurt him. When it comes to her though, I’m torn. She’s a mom now and talking about how you turned someone’s mom out everyday and often is just kind of mean – I mean damn, I faked a few “O’s” myself – how was that not noticed! LMFAO. We’ll see.
ANYHOW… maybe because of all this, I’m going through what I am as a penance. As a measure of reconnecting with who I am deeper within. Then again, who the fuck knows. I just know that I’m tired of fake friends and the bullshit that comes with them. I hate being alone, but I am ready for the cleansing that it brings. No one works for shit anymore. The dark times come, people now days just fucking run. What is that? How does that make anything better. Then everyone supports them – mainly because that’s what friends do. You know what, I want friends that say, “What the fuck dude? You better work on that shit and set the example.” Show people what it’s like to go through the costliest of times and the hardest/trying of times and actually work through it. To use every resource available to fix the problem, the communication, the darkness within. Not to just run away and be supported by everyone and their mother saying it’s not worth it. Fuck that noise. I’m worth it. You’re worth it. WE ARE ALL WORTH IT!!! Remember that. Even though I talk shit about people I’ve encountered that rubbed me the wrong way (or the right way sometimes right Jayme) and left an impression, those people I’ve talked about and put on blast are still fucking worth it in life.
Don’t give up. Follow what you believe in. Take all the shit that comes from your decisions and deal with them, but DON’T EVER FORCE THEM UPON OTHERS. I’m dealing with having to work my life out because of the decisions of others at this point. People that say it’s not worth it and just fuck up my life because they “can’t” work through their own bullshit. They use things and terms as a fucking crutch. You know what, you’re doing a disservice to people that have actually gone through worse shit than you have and have come out stronger because they worked through the hard times with the support of the ones that WANT to be there for them. Every person that’s come back from war, or have been through so much more than that of what you’ve gone through and have made it through happier and healthier – all without ever running away, without giving up.
If you’re going to let the people that hurt you in the past dictate your future, then be mad at EVERYONE involved in letting you get hurt. Don’t just pick and choose. If your dad was abusive and your mom did nothing about it, be mad at both because BOTH of them messed up your life and vice versa. No apology in the world makes up for the lack of stopping the problem when you know what’s going on. Especially if you’re turning a blind eye because you a) don’t know what to do or b) ignored it for your own agenda and to make yourself happy but not protect the kids being hurt. You really then don’t deserve the forgiveness that the one who was abused gives you. Their forgiveness is purely for the abused ones benefit.
If you’re broken, depressed, suffering from PTSD, anxiety, heartbreak, have been used, give too much, or anything of the sort, you are NOT alone. You never will be. People do care for you, the ones that have dealt with you at your worst, contributed to your problems without really knowing, don’t know you, or know you well, are there for you. The one’s that won’t help you are the ones that tell you what they think you need to hear. Those people are only hurting you worse. In your dark times you need to hear the truth. You need to be told that maybe you are the one that’s pushing everyone or every thing away. That you’re just running away from the problem. What if the one that you say hurt you is the one that can actually make you better. If you hold on to everything that’s happened to you in the past you can never move forward. You can never have peace. You can never be whole. NEVER FORGET. That motto holds true in so many ways. From the military and their stance on POW’s, to the person you encounter on the street.
Never forget what has happened, but don’t let the past dictate your future. Don’t let what’s gone on in any relationship dictate what can happen in that relationship. Sure, if it’s just physical abuse, get out… it’s not worth it. If it’s been something that can be and is constantly trying to be fixed and people in the relationship are growing and becoming better, then it’s not a relationship to abandon; friendship or otherwise. Communication is key – without it, everything breaks down and fails. Don’t use your past as the crutch to walk away. Your decision effects more people than you know. Don’t let the fear of “it could happen again” be your excuse to walk away. Because when you realize that you walked away and you actually didn’t have to, it could be just too late. The damage will be done and the people you left may no longer be there for you and have moved on because you discarded them. Remember, they didn’t want to lose you in the first place, but that doesn’t mean that they have to suffer because you didn’t take the time to understand their hurt and the effect your decision had on them.
Ridicule this as you may, these are my thoughts on things. My feelings which are not wrong and my process. I am an all or nothing type of person as wrong or right as it may be. I will give all when given all. Hold back the truth and I will know something is wrong and things will never be the way they should. I respect those that tell me how it is or appears and don’t sugar coat it. Tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear – you are my friend, I expect that of you and will not be mad (too long) at you and love you more when all is said and done. If you are my friend, it’s for a reason as I don’t let many in. I NEED you to tell me what’s up. In return, I will risk everything to do the same for you.
My rambling vent is over and this is just BULLCRAP!!!